You Know You're a
Bitter -Ass -Tory-Hating
Nutcase Extreme Arrowhead IF...
For entertainment purposes only! I assume no responsibility
for the life, limb, mental state or criminal record of any lame-ass who
actually pulls this crap, OK?
You build little replicas of the Arrow in your mashed potatoes and then
can't bring yourself to eat them
You get a portrait of RL - 201 tatooed on your back (or some other part
Even Jim Floyd would tell you to leave him alone and get a life.
On your trip to Toronto you cause a sensation when you board the Malton
bus with a sifting box, archeologist's tools and a metal detector
You giggle maniacally as you rubber-stamp John Diefenbaker's likeness on
rolls of toilet paper
You get the bends from too many dives to the bottom of Lake Ontario and
the dive shop won't refill your tanks until you get better, dammit!
You think your dog is the reincarnation of Crawford Gordon
You have a white car. You have painted it with RCAF roundels, dayglo patches
and anti-glare black on the hood.
You nominate February 20th as National Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth Day
(alternate suggestions: National Drunk-Off-Your-Ass Day, National Golden-Showers-On-Diefy's-Grave
Day, Opening Day of Tory Season, etc.)
Palmiro Campangna and Grieg Stewart call the police on you for obsessively
You try to get the destruction site declared a murder scene. Security catches
you attempting to draw several delta-winged chalk outlines on the tarmac
You start a campaign to get the infamous "Death Row" pic declared NC-17
and cover your children's eyes when you go to the back-room restoration
area of the aviation museum in Ottawa
You think "Oh God! They killed Kenny!" is a arcane coded reference to Black
Friday (obligatory trendy South Park joke. So bite me.)
You think ICBMs suck
You kick bulldogs because they remind you of Diefy. Pull a Son-of-Sam defense
if the Humane Society protests.
Americans piss you off (fine thing to be saying when this site is running
on a Texas server, BTW)
You always drag around a dog-eared copy of the Arrowhead book for the express
purpose of telling everyone else more than they ever wanted to know about
You engage Karen Finley (notorious performance artist; punch up her name
on the web and find out exactly what she's notorious for) to do interesting
things with a BOMARC missile on Parliament Hill (wave enough $$$$ in front
of her and tell her it's to express Woman's rage at patriarchal phallic
symbols and she'll probably go for it)
You choose to watch "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" rather than the closing scenes
of "The Arrow" because the latter are too painful to view. Aside from that,
the only new thing you learned from this miniseries is how much weight
Dan Ackroyd packed on in five years
Tories cross a four-lane highway at rush hour to avoid you
You date somebody because their last name is Zurakowski
You contemplated suicide because you had to attend John Diefenbaker
Secondary School as a kid
You have a phobia about blowtorches and Skilsaws
You rewrite Don MacLean's classic song "The Day the Music Died" to refer
to the Arrow (o/~ But February made me shiver/ with every paper I delivered/
Bad news on the doorstep/ I couldn't take one more step... o/~)
You drive all the way to Diefy's childhood home just to do loud, obnoxious,
brakes-squealing donuts in front of it at the height of tourist season
You hack into the PC Party web site and leave lots of kiddie porn, recipes
for home explosives and Space Moose
You stand in front of the venue of the latest PC party convention with
a delegates' badge and try to hand out Jack
Chick comic tracts to passerby, whilst staring into space and mumbling
to yourself a lot. Even better: Gran'pa
Jack tracts to piss off the politically correct anti-gun crowd!
If you live in Quebec, you tip off the Hell's Angels that the local PC
Headquarters is a Rock Machine clubhouse. You then go to the Rock Machine
and tip them off that it's a Hell's Angels clubhouse. You stand back and
enjoy the pyrotechnics.
You trash the F-106 and F-108 in front of all your friends (those still
sticking with you after you're bailed out of jail for the umpteenth time)
You hold a massive rally in front of CRTC headquarters (that's our equivalent
of the FCC for you damn Yanks :)). You invite Howard Stern.
You lovingly clean your Colt AR-15 on the steps of Parliament Hill. Hey,
you're just cleaning it!
Thanks to Glenn Munro for contributing some outstanding